Monday, February 4, 2013

a little bit awkward

walking away from adam's house last night after the super bowl, my sister called.  i lamented to her that i sometimes find myself getting crazy, insecure, clingy, over intense, annoying.

she said, "that surprises me.  i thought i was the one who is always too intense.  too controlling."

i assured her she is not.  that we're definitely in this together.

"you must be like me," she said, "controlling.  we need to have control of every situation, we need to know everything that's happening.  and when we realize that there's no way you can know what the other person is thinking exactly, you go insane, you over analyse, and your thoughts begin to spiral outward.  that's why i've been in therapy for seven years."

as i may have mentioned before, my twin sister and i share a strong psychic connection, and though we each have separate interests and personalities, our thoughts and behaviors mirror each other closely.  it feels great to know that someone understands exactly what you're thinking, that another person falls into the exact same patterns.  since my sister shares my anxious behaviors with me, i find myself a little less embarrassed by them.  i felt a lot better after talking to my sister.

my embarrassment stemmed from an awkward and unnecessary question i asked adam last night before i left his house.  you're going to hear this and say, "really?  did you really need to go there.  calm down."  adam and i talked on the couch and eventually i asked, "hey, did i end up annoying you this weekend?  was i too intense?"  which is an annoying and intense question.

adam said, "no! absolutely not.  you weren't annoying me 'til now."

one of the things i like best about adam is that when i say something dumb, without thinking, he can joke about it, but he doesn't make me feel judged.  he stays cool, which is great considering i know i can get insecure and insane sometimes.  i should take a lesson.

you're probably thinking right now, "but dude, don't you think it's a little intense and awkward to type this out and post this on the internet?"  and i would say yes, definitely, but adam says he doesn't read this blog, so let’s be awkward and intense together one last time then let it rest.

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