already bored by the next presidential election

obama yesterday announced the beginning of his 2012 campaign for reelection. obama said, "I'm going to need you even more this time than last time." yes, yes he will, though i'm not certain he will get that help. i'm not sure he'll be supported with the same enthusiasm as three years ago.

the new york times reports that "aids said they were eager to reach out to independent voters before republicans do." but this may be part of the problem. obama's moderate, neutral position has made him look a little ineffective. barak obama has been an accomplished president, especially considering the situation in which he found the country upon occupying the white house. i think he has supported historically important legislation such as the credit and banking reform bills, the TARP fund, the repeal of dadt; he has guided our miliary through the iraq and afghanistan wars while keeping exit a lodestar, no matter how dim, for our actions in those countries; he has been a figure of inspiration to the country and the world as a black american with a modest background and a name unusual to american politicals who nevertheless has made his way successfully in the world. barak obama will be remembered as significant to american history.

but at the same time, when they elected obama as president, americans were hoping to see a great transformation take place in this country. those who voted for obama, liberal, conservative, radical, independent, however, hoped to see pragmatic change, not the tepid, timid suggestions and support obama has this far put forward. his efforts have seemed half-hearted. this country wanted fireworks and got instead a few hopeful shots in the dark. so yes, obama does need the independent vote to gain reelction, as any president does, but he may need much more. he may have needed to do much more to rally the democratic base as he did previously.

during the last election it was independent voters who won him the election, but it was the truly liberal voters, the loyal democrats who found themselves charmed and energized and hopeful for the potential of this man; these were they who found themselves motivated to campaign, to give money, to canvas, to run voter registration drives, to care enough just to vote resulting in largest voter turnout in this country in decades.

the new york times reports that "the president's aides have set a goal of surpassing the $750 million he raised in 2008." i groan thinking about giving money to obama's campaign, about caring enough. do i want to see a republican win? absolutely not. but neither am i excited about another luke-warm second term for the obama administration. and if i'm already this unmotivated, unexcited by the beginning of the campaign season (election years are generally my favorite), how can i expect the rest of the democratic party to significantly rally, especially those young, idealistic young voters who came out in large numbers last election?

hayfeverish

two days in a row, as i walked along the willamette, i found a hummingbird buzzing around the thorny blackberry vines that grow along the base. the bird had a a bright magenta face and chest; a shiny, seemingly unnatural color. it made a whistling sound at me like a child's musical instrument. it couldn't seem to make up its mind whether to be afraid of me or not.

although we usually talk three or four times a week, i have not heard from madre in three weeks. i think my sister told her i was angry at her. i had mentioned to her that i had recently started seeing someone about whom i was pretty excited. she had absolutely nothing to say on the subject and could not remember my having mentioned anything about him in subsequent conversations.

i've found myself buying a lot of flowers lately. mostly cheap bouquets of daffodils. my roommate owen reminds me that there are daffodils blooming in the front and back yards, but i always reply that i want to keep those flowers there, that they're pretty to see when one arrives home in the afternoon.

and the afternoon, the evening no longer sleep so peaceful. they're longer. i find myself thinking it's four when several hours have passes and it is now six. it's past seven-thirty as i type this and the sun is hardly finished setting. the lawn is green and yellow and orange with sunlight. the trees dotted white with flowers.

forbidden colors. finished reading the yukio mishima novel by this title. is homosexuality always a narcissistic performance or have the interstices between living and desire for the homosexual been relocated? why am i attracted to men and can i live an authentic life or will my existence always be a performance in reaction to heterosexual society?

i saw a snake near my office the other day. i hear rustling in the brown leaves near my feet, stopped, and when i searched the brown hues piled there, i found a small, skinny dark brown snake with a red line down its back. i'm sure i had disturbed its nap as it sunned itself in the rare light.

when we wake up from the winter, it's a perfect time to ask yourself exactly what you want, exactly what you expect from the coming seasons. last year i was young, younger than this year obviously, but i felt young, i acted young. i was young and immature and i went to rooster rock often and took off my clothes and lay in the sand, sunning. but maybe this year i won't be content to just sun. maybe i want something more. gardens and garden parties; iced tea; front porches; little white gloves; plans and progress. a sensible summer. fun but sensible. right? sometimes you grow up believing you want a certain thing and cannot know that you don't want it at all 'til you get there.

i have always dreamed of a house and a spouse; a garden with children; quotidian routine; chocolate cake for breakfast. but perhaps this is someone else's dream i just grew up dreaming? can i live an authentic life or will my existence always be a performance?