Thursday, January 17, 2013


tired, worn out, i found myself in bed with adam the other night, who had arrived back in portland that day.  i picked him up from the airport that afternoon.  at the number 8 baggage claim carousel, he ran over to me, bear hug grasped, and gave me a kiss.  a movie reunion.  i felt awkward, nervous now that he had arrived home, wondering what had changed.  simultaneously, i found myself lit up, excited, a dog wagging his tail.

pizza and beer at dove vivi.  i relaxed.  we relaxed in bed together after.  i smiled and he smiled.  we had sex together and fell asleep.

insomnia strikes again.  i find myself sleepless every couple of months, usually in tandem with some anxiety.  these days i have been taking 5-htp to keep my brain in top condition during the winter on my friend ryan’s recommendation.  it boosts neuro-transmitter function.  i take it just before bed and it helped me fall asleep at first.  then i started to take that in combination with melatonin to stay asleep.  a double whammy of natural sleep aids.  if i didn’t take the melatonin i’ll wake up an hour or two after i go to bed.

my body rebels.  melatonin cannot even guarantee a night of sleep anymore.

i took a 5-htp capsule and fell asleep.  sleeping for a few hours then waking, hot and uncomfortable under the heavy duvet.  i wanted a glass of water.  i wanted to get up and look for the cat.  i wanted to watch tv.  i wanted to fall back asleep by knew i wouldn't be able to do so, knew that sleep would be denied, that the program in my head would continue to run until morning.  i cannot find the switch to turn myself off.

adam snored next to me, sleeping deeply.  beautiful. "And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!"

it's not adam's light snoring that ever bothers me, just as he at least says my own doesn't bother him.

if i were camping the sound of nature around me would be so much louder than adam's snores here in my house.  the windows keep out the noise of cars and the city at night. out in the woods, out in a tent, i'd be surprised at the loudness and unfamiliarity of the hum of insects active at night, the rustle of leaves and branches, the sound of a river running over rock.  i have heard coyotes callings to each other.

i did find more sleep last night finally only to be awoken by the alarm, adam's eyes un-opening.  he'd been gone too long and i cuddled into his body and thought, yes, this is exactly right.

and i think, yes, this is exactly right whenever i do find sleep, whenever i sleep the entire night.  most of the time, even if i do manage to find a good stretch of sleep, the cat wakes me to be let out, or i go to sleep too late, or i feel groggy through half the day.  this could be an effect of the winter weather: the cold and dreary days thickening my blood, plasma crystallizing and sluggishly pushing through my arteries to my heart and brain and eyes.  eyelids drooping.

maybe i just have to push through to february.

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