breathe through it

adam has been away in indiana for a month.  at this point i miss him, i’m bored, i’m really horny.  it’ll be great to have him home.

but it was an old boyfriend i was chatting with the other night over gchat.  with a polite bleep, a window opened and i read, “I’m sorry if I ever hurt you little Christopher.”  i dated this guy for a couple months over a year ago, a crazy time in my life.  i was crazy.  when this dude and i decided to part ways, it hurt a little, as break ups do, but when that brief cloud passed, i realized that my relationship with that guy had been far from perfect and that our break up worked out for the best.  like most of the dudes i have dated, i did not harbor any ill will toward him.  i have seen this friend around town a couple times and everything has always been fine between us: casual, friendly.

i told him we were fine in my book.

my friend explained that he had recently been hurt.  he described himself as a man who finds it hard to open himself to others, and just finds someone with whom he wants to build a relationship, that other man balks.

i think so many of us say this about ourselves: it's hard for me to open up to another person.  a condition of contemporary life, dating someone always means taking a risk.  life does not guarantee coeval infatuation between two individuals.

another friend of mine recently related to me a story about seeing a young man for a couple dates.  in his early twenties, the young man seemed to have a huge crush on my friend, which isn't necessarily a problem, but can be a warning sign. from the other side, an immediate infatuation like that can look illogical, unwarranted, desperate, and disconnected.

from the inside, of course, infatuation feels quite different.  i think of those studies that attempt to describe the state of the brain in love, a neuro-chemical condition that resembles the junky on dope.  all those pleasure centers lit up, all those neurons firing, all that frenetic neural activity.  experientially, we know that we're fucked while infatuated.  heady and happy and hyper-aware.  nervous.  completely conscious of the other person.  i always find myself concerned that i'm too intense, that i'm moving too quickly, that this infatuation is unwarranted, that i'll scare the other guy off.  and i worry that after a week or two, the magic will be over and i'll stop caring.

infatuation and dating requires a constant mediation.  "respirez.  respirez.  respirez."  this is what i have to chant to myself.  i have to remember to breathe, to relax, to be aware and take it easy and just enjoy the high.  mostly pointless, i have to remind myself to enjoy the date, enjoy the moment, risk the attachment.  in the end, it won't matter as much as i think. that's what i have to tell myself.